How to be a Mary Sue the Complete Guide
by RosesandEdgars
Summary: Ever wanted to be a self-insert One Piece Mary Sue?  Than this is a must for you!  How to be a canon Mary Sue.  Destroying the fabric of space and time, but who cares about that?  Just as long as you have your harem!
1. Chapter 1

**How to be a Mary Sue: The Complete Guide**

Right. Apparently, every fan girl wants to be in One Piece, and have a Harem that consists of every fan girl powerhouse in One Piece. And Robin. Because apparently Robin has a thing going on with Nami. Anyway, back to the subject. Then, these Mary Sues have either had this ANGSTY past that (from what I've seen) consists of Buster Calls, World Government screwing around, daughter of ***insert famous pirate*/ *insert Gol D. Roger here*** and more angsty crap. Also they have an incredible bounty that is normally 400,000,000,000,000,000,000… (I have lost space to write the rest…), beautiful body that makes everyone drool over her, is Luffy's nakama and ate pretty much every Akuma no mi in the world. So, to make it simple, canon got raped and we're all vomiting in our cosplay straw hats.

The other kind of Mary Sue is the self-insert kind, where the author somehow travels to the One Piece world (how we'll never know) and everything from above happens. And she doesn't care that she doesn't go back home, as long as she has her harem.

So, I have decided to give you all a walkthrough on how to be a self-insert Mary Sue without raping canon. Mostly. And maybe destroying the fabric of time and space forever, but who cares about that.

If you want to be a Mary Sue, follow these instructions CAREFULLY. Cloud is me. Or some random OC. Mostly it's me.

_**Guide**_

_Cloud_

Story

**Part I: Entering One Piece World…**

_**Okay, the first step is to see if you are beautiful. Now, Cloud, are you so skinny that you're almost anorexic, but at the same time not?**_

_Nope._

_***Sigh*… are you blonde?**_

_Nope._

_**Can you fight?**_

_Never thrown a punch in my life._

_***Face palm*. This is going badly so far. Cloud, go to the gym, get extremely skinny, get your hair dyed blonde permanently, and go to the Dojo.**_

_What's a dojo?_

_**It's a Japanese place where you learn to fight, baka.**_

_Baka?_

_**And get Japanese lessons too, everyone speaks Japanese nowadays.**_

_Right. I'll be off, then._

_**See, there. Now, when she returns, we start the story. So, before we begin, read this short story that a rabid fan girl wrote:**_

Asce and Lufi wer sitin in da tree looking so kawaaiiii n dey were kissing cuz dey were gay of course. Dey wer makin out wif da same gurl wu waz moar betiful dan Hancock, Robin and Nami (Dos Byoatches!)

_**OI! Robin's my favourite character, and Nami's awesome! You can't just bad-mouth them like that, you only bad mouth Spandam, Akainu or Blackbeard, unless you write Ace/Blackbeard yaoi! Ahem, back to subject…**_

Dey started doing –bleep- in the tree when they heard 2 voices coming from below.

It was Sanji and Zoro! Usopp isn't there because no one likes him. And who the hell are Brook and Franky? O.o U gaiz, they don't exist. Only the monster trio and ace-kun exists!1!

Then they all had an epic five-some.

The end.

_**See? Interesting story. Oh, Cloud's back!**_

_Chotto matte, baka!_

_**Good. She did what I told her to do.**_

_I feel different._

_**Brilliant! Now, you're basically what everyone starts out as! Now, you have automatically become the smartest girl in school, and every boy wants to get into your pants.**_

_I'm not legal yet, baka._

_**Who cares! Now, let us see of how we must start off before we go into the One Piece world…**_

Surname D. Cloud casually flipped her luscious blonde hair behind her back as she walked sexily towards the front gate of school. She was smart, talented, beautiful, strong, pride, awesome, sexy, beautiful, amazing, and sexy. She was wearing a –insert long description of clothes that a slut would wear- that made all the boys drool whenever they looked at her. Her eyes were a mysterious chocolate/cold blue/black/hazel/red/it changes every minute. They held so much pain and angst inside, for some unknown reason. Even though her life was oh so perfect, the ungrateful bitch… I mean, poor girl's life wasn't perfect.

Cloud had one dream in life: To fall through some plot device and into the world of One Piece and spend time with her bishounen and prove that Nami is a bitch.

_Oi! I'll have you know that I hate yaoi, and I like Nami!_

_**Ah, but that is another important thing.**_

_How?_

_**Every author-insert-oc stories includes at least one yaoi pairing (This is usually ZoSan), and Nami appears to be a PMSing bitch.**_

…

_**That was lesson 2: Cliches. Lesson 1 was Beautiful, blonde, smart, strong, and speaking Japanese.**_

_What's lesson number 3?_

_**Spoilers!**_

Little did she know that was about to happen.

There she was, after school, walking home. Suddenly, it started pouring rain, even though it was a 40 degree day-

_**Ahem, note I am an Australian and we normally use Celsius (I apologize if that's the wrong spelling), and I'm not comfortable with the American way. Mostly I can't be stuffed looking up…**_

-and the entire world had no clouds, for some unexplained reason.

"Eh? N-nani? There wasn't meant to be rain today!" Cloud exclaimed as she ran for cover. Her blonde hair was now dripping wet, making it even more sexy than it was before, even though that wasn't possible.

"Matsuda wa kira ryuzaki Yagami-san wo raito desu," Cloud said to herself sexily. That was something along the lines of, _Weather forecast was wrong again._

_**Actually it's **_Look at this! Death Note reference! ZOMG.

"Notto disu shitto agen."

_**Not this shit again.**_

Suddenly, a bright glow appeared in front of Cloud!1! Cloud gasped. "What on earth is that?"

Cloud reached out and touched it. It felt odd, like jelly.

Then, the light engulfed the Mary Sue!

"Whaaaaaa-"

Cloud closed her eyes. She felt like she was falling. When the feeling stopped, she opened her eyes.

"…What?"

She was on a pirate ship.

"…What?"

There was a jolly roger flag. Whitebeard's flag, that was it, fluttered in the wind.

"WHAT?"

"What the?"

Cloud turned around behind her. Someone knew she was there!

_**Duh. You were making heaps of noise, idiot. Whitebeard's crew would be staring weirdly at you, then Whitebeard would say that you were disrupting his harem time then throw you overboard. Seriously, though. Whitebeard has a harem. Just look at volume 25. Pimpin' Yonkou.**_

She gasped softly and sexily. It was…

Portgaz D. Ace!

"Y-you're Ace!" Cloud pointed out. Ace tilted his head slightly, hands on his hips with a confused expression on his face. "Who the crap are you?" Ace asked. He scratched the back of his head. "Are you new around here or what?"

"I… ah… I thought this was my ship, so I… accidently came on," Cloud lied.

_What an idiot. Whitebeard's ship is the biggest ship in One Piece or something like that. Like you have a ship that size._

_**That's you.**_

…_Still an idiot._

"You mistook the Moby Dick for your ship?" Ace's confused _expression_ left his face, only to be replaced with a wide grin. "You must have a big ship! What 's your crew's name?"

"I… I forgot," Cloud said, her eyes cast down. "I don't remember anything…"

Cloud's inner self smirked. She was always good at acting.

"Oh! You've lost your memory! Haha, that's a stupid thing to do!" Ace laughed. He held Cloud's hand. "Come on, you gotta go meet Pops!"

Ace led Cloud through many corridors and halls, Cloud wondered if it was a castle that could float instead of a ship. It was bigger than she imagined. "That's First Division's room," Ace gestured to a large door on their right. "Second Division is just there. That's my Division, I'm the Division leader."

"Really? That's amazing!" Cloud's eyes were replaced with stars of admiration, even though she already knew that fact. Suddenly, loud footsteps filled the room. "Who's that?"

Ace grinned. "Oh hey, Teach!" Cloud narrowed her eyes, gritted her teeth, and whisked around. The second most hated character in One Piece, right after Akainu.

_For once I agree._

"Zehahaha! Ace, what do you have there?" Blackbeard asked, giving Ace a disgusting smile.

"This is… Hang on, what's your name again?" Ace turned to Cloud.

"Surname D. Cloud," She answered. Cloud's glaring eyes hadn't left Blackbeard, she was busy imagining him drowning in his own cereal. Blackbeard sweat dropped.

"Is Thatch back yet?"

"Nah," Blackbeard replied, lifting up the large pants that were slowly falling down –ew- his legs. "One of his division arrived earlier, though. He said Thatch found an Akuma no mi!"

Ace's eyes widen with shock, and the biggest grin Cloud had seen him make appeared on his face. "Thatch found one? Does he know which one?" Blackbeard shook his large head. "Eh? They don't know? Right, Teach, go get Thatch's guy and get him look through that Akuma no mi guide. Who knows, he might of gotten a really powerful one!"

Blackbeard saluted and scurried off to fourth division's room.

"Gee, lucky Thatch," Ace said to himself. "Although, not lucky if it turns out to be useless…"

Ace blinked and turned to Cloud. "Oh! Yeah, I gotta introduce you to Pops, don't I! Well, let's go… huh? What are ya staring at, Cloud?"

Cloud's glaring eyes glared at the fat guy that everyone loves to glare at. Or rather, where he used t be.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't trust him," Cloud spat. Ace frowned. "Why?"

"He isn't trust worthy."

"That's a bit mean."

"Sorry, Ace-kun."

Ace sighed. "It's okay. By the way… what does Ace-kun mean?"

_**Wow, even Canon characters don't get these OCs, or what they're saying.**_

_**End Chapter One. I have chapter 2-4 completed, this will only be a six chapter story.**_

_**I have questions due tomorrow. Haven't done them.**_

_**Anyway, wrap up of this chapter- Become strong, learn how to use a sword, learn Japanese, fall through a plot hole, go on Whitebeard's ship before Blackbeard kills Thatch. This would never work in any other situation…**_

_**Review, oh mighty Reviewers! Review!**_

_**Just follow the sparkles~! ************_

_**Or Just click the review button, I don't care, really.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi guys, it's Cloud here saying hello and introducing myself. Oh! Right, I was meant to tell you that this is the second chapter of How to be a Mary Sue. To wrap up last chapter, for those of you who skip the first few chapters before actually reading a story/only read a story with 1,000+ reviews (Which, by the way, is totally rude towards the author, it's not their fault you're not reviewing), here's what happened, in a short, easy to understand form…_

_Become total Mary Sue in real life_

_Fall through Plot Hole_

_Fall onto Whitebeard's ship_

_Meet Ace first_

_Then meet Teach (Optional)_

_Threaten to murder Teach with his breakfast (needed)_

_All this BEFORE Teach murders Thatch (Needed)_

_And that's it, basically._

_But before we begin, here's a rant the author has been keeping inside for a long time…_

WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE? WHY THE HELL DOES A NARUTO AND ONE PIECE CROSSOVER HAVE MORE REVIEWS THAN THE MOST REVIEWED ONE PIECE FANFICTION THAT ISN'T OC OR YAOI? EVEN YAOI OR OC? DO YOU NOT CARE THAT NARUTO IS GETTING MORE PRAISE THAN ONE PIECE? IF I SEE A 'NARUTO IS DA BESTEST ANIME EVA!1!' AGAIN I SWEAR I'LL… I'LL… I'LL…

Calming down, calming down. Ok. But seriously, people. We One Piece fans (WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A FREAKING NAME FOR FANS? Well, better than Narutard… ) must catch up! So! One Piece fanfiction marathon! Review every chapter of every story of One Piece that you find! Write One Piece from now on! Rise, my friends, RISE! We must topple the evil that is Naruto, and rule the world! Gwahaha! Sorry Naruto fans, but… It's just… Naruto is boring in shippuden, in my opinion. Plus everyone seems to be angsty, and it's very overrated. Hell, we should all take a leaf out of Japan's book and follow what they think is better. Heaven for One Piece fans- One Piece never taken in by 4Kids, but by Funi. Naruto not being shown before 8.30 (That's pretty much the only reason it's famous, then people read the manga and say, "12 YEAR OLD BOIZ BEATIN' EACH OTHER UP IS DA BAWS!" hence the FanFiction), but One Piece uncut. Aaaah… The life. But more stories= more OCs and Yaoi… but then again… more stories= more Robin x Zoro/Ace/Luffy and more Nakamaship. And more Harry Potter and One Piece crossovers, some of them that's not about Harry falling into the OP world, but the Straw Hats in Hogwarts.

Isn't that what we all really wish for?

Also, looking back on Naruto…

Sasuke is now my favourite character. Why? Ok, I admit he is a douche now, and he did have his ass moments in classic, but…

He had his family destroyed before his eyes, got mind raped, was told to avenge his family by the guy who killed them (who he had a close bond with), and spent the next years of his life alone. That's hard, man. Then, when he joined team 7, he started to open up and care about his comrades. He was still awkward, but he matured. And he wasn't annoying like someone else (Naruto). I don't like him because of his looks alone. I like him because of what I said before.

Lee comes close. Because if a spinoff is more interesting to you than the original, you must love that character.

_Ah, to rant._

**Holy crap we're starting! Random POV changes in this one. Because, what would a Mary Sue story be without some?**

Ace stared at Cloud, a longing look in his eyes. Her beautiful eyes, holding so much pain and angst behind a curtain of pain and angst (Which, to be honest, was a crappy curtain), was fixed on the large, muscular man in front of her. "Is that… Whitebeard?" Cloud asked in an angsty voice that held so much angst inside.

**Now, my friends, that is the 'Angst pain angst torture angst crying babies angst' power. This one has so much angst in her. See, it all began when her puppy was run over unicorn…**

Her long, beautiful eyelashes blinked a few times before giving a small smile. "Hello, Whitebeard-kun," Cloud said. "Watashi wa Cloud desu. Surname D. Cloud. And I want to join your crew."

Whitebeard nodded. "Well, it seems like you are the most trusty worthy person I have ever met, so I guess that's ok. You're now my daughter!" He declared before gulping down some booze. "Now be gone, newbie. I'll pay you some attention when you've done something so powerful it puts Shiki the Gold Lion to shame."

Cloud gasped. "OH MAI GODZ HE'S IN DAT STRONG WORLD MOVIE ISN'T HE?" she screamed. Ace drooled a bit. She was so sexy when she screamed. "Oh…" All of Whitebeard's crew stared at her weirdly. "I'm sorry, it's just so much angst, pain and sexual harassment in my life, that… that…" Cloud broke down and started crying. "And not to mention that the Demon Lord Ghirahim resides in my mind, and only I can awaken him!"

**Now, two lessons here. Lesson # 1: Reference to HAWT character in other fandom. I chose Ghirahim, because he's super sexy, evil, awesome, sexy, fabulous and did I mention the sexy part? Also he's the only person I can go super fan girl on. Apart from Pandaman. Lesson # 2: Demon lives inside the Sue. How original. Although, I wouldn't mind having Ghirahim inside me (that's what she said!).**

…

**Ghirahim is hot. Nothing you say will change my mind. He is hotter than Zoro, Ace and Sanji combined. Look him up in Google images now.**

**I mean it.**

**Oh crap I've become a fan girl. Oh well, as long as I don't go into one of THOSE fan girls it'll be alri- HOLY CRAP IT'S GHIRAHIM! I SHALL GLOMP HIM! **

**Ghirahim: What the…? Oh, it's you again. You know, the fact that you're glomping makes me feel…**

**Me: Here it comes…**

**Ghirahim: FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!**

**Hehehe…**

Whitebeard's eyes widen in shock. "Demon Lord Ghirahim? What does she mean by that?" Ace looked to his pops for answers. Whitebeard sweated a little, a rare sight even by Ace's standards. He was shaking, too. That was a first.

"I will have to tell you the entire story," Whitebeard began. "It all starts millions of years ago…"

**One day, an incredibly sexy guy went on a very awesome quest to save his friend. This amazingly sexy guy used his awesome ninja skillz (and some sword) to defeat ugly villains (Apart from the SEXAH Ghirahim) and rescue his friend. Then, the Demon Lord Ghirahim tried to stop him. He won. 3 times. Last time, not so lucky. The hero then sealed Ghirahim into a young girl, and the descendants of that girl all have the ancient Ghirahim inside of them.**

**That or you could just look up/play Skyward Sword. I don't care.**

_Wait, how does that work? I thought this author was self-insert?_

**It's a Mary Sue story, nothing makes sense.**

Whitebeard finished explaining about Cloud's tragic past. "I'm sorry," Cloud said, all angsty-like and what-not. "I'm putting you in danger just by being alive…"

**Nico Robin, anyone?**

Ace held Cloud by her shoulders and shook her lightly. "No, you're not!" he declared. "Cloud, you're perfect. You can be alive. No one can tell you that you can't!"

Cloud cast her eyes down. Ace was so handsome, but… I was a demon. An incredibly sexy demon, at that. "Ace…" I started, looking up to stare into Ace's eyes. "I…"

"I love you!" Ace leant down and kissed me on the lips.

_And then I declared him a rapist before running towards Whitebeard and making him my daddy. :3. And random P.O.V change. Ha!_

The kiss was so tender and amazing. Ace's lips taste sweet and yummy. Ace ran his fingers through my hair. I could hear the other nakama wolf-whistling, and some of the girls dying a little inside.

{Insert 5 more paragraphs of explaining a single kiss}

It took a few seconds to kiss, but to us it felt like hours. We finally separated.

Cloud smiled as she gazed into her lover's eyes that she just met recently. Like, just now. Ugh. What a loser- I mean, what an amazing girl.

Then other random crap happened…

Cloud quickly became a powerful fighter and got a bounty of 140 million beri. Then Thatch came back, and the real plot started…

"Oh! It's Thatch!" Ace yelled. "Hey! Thatch's back!"

Thatch waved to Ace. "Yo, Ace! Look, I gotta a Akuma no Mi! And guess which one?"

"Gero Gero no Mi?" Ace tilted his head, smirking.

"Haha, very funny. Nope, I got the Yami Yami no Mi!"

Then everyone had an OVER-THE-TOP ANIME REACTION! Blackbeard chuckled darkly. Cloud narrowed her pale blue/yellow/back/brown/rainbow eyes. _It's almost time… _she thought. _My plan is coming into motion…_

Ah, what is this plan, you ask? Well, that is for the next chapter, because the author feels bad about not updating for a while and has run out of ideas.

Ta-ta, biotch!


End file.
